Involuntary Frenzy

An addendum to the weekend's post on the different modes in which I work. I had forgotten to write about a rather common work mode - the "involuntary frenzy"

I need to write this today, since the day’s experience is rather fresh in my mind. The weekend’s post, where I spoke about the different working styles (flow, frenzy and distraction) was inaccurate - sometimes that’s what happens when I plan a post on one day and then write it several days later.

Today’s experience at work (I was working from home) reminded me that there is one fairly major work mode that I forgot to mention at all in that post - the “involuntary frenzy”, where you end up hyperfocussing on something without intending to do so, and then find yourself unable to do anything else. And this is a rather common mode in which I work, and live.

In this post I’ll also talk about fights - something that I get into much more often than I need to.

The Disagreement

It was a normal morning where I took it easy and worked slowly, as I tried to get into the sort of flow that I had hit on Thursday and Friday. It was again a peaceful day in theory, with only one meeting, and me working largely on some exploratory things, and not due anytime this week.

And then around lunchtime, I got into a minor disagreement over something (by then the morning’s methylphenidate had sort of lost effect). It should have been resolved quickly but for whatever reason I let it linger in my head (these things happen). Then I decided to go cook my lunch, and through the cooking process I just kept thinking about this. I had gone into “involuntary hyperfocus”.

When you get into hyperfocus about something negative, even if mildly negative, you get into a massive positive feedback cycle. So, by the time I had made my lunch and got back to my desk with my plate, the matter had massively blown out of proportion in my own mind. In the state of mind I was in, it was war.

I shot off a few angry messages. There was a little back and forth and people talking over each other. Then the matter quickly defused, but not in my head.

The involuntary hyperfocus into this negative thing had made it impossible for me to think about anything else. I was ostensibly working on other things, but I was only thinking of this discussion. The day’s second dose of methylphenidate, taken just after lunch, had no impact.

The state of mind immediately after you ingest methylphenidate is important. Sometimes, you can take it and then immediately start hyperfocussing on the “wrong things”, and the tablet has no effect at all.

Methylphenidate (Ritalin / Inspiral) is fundamentally a “preventive medicine”, to make sure you don’t get into such disastrous mental states. It is NOT a cure.

Displacement Reactions

Back in high school, in chemistry, we learnt of different kinds of chemical reactions. There are “addition reactions” where atoms two elements come together to form a molecule of a compound. Then there are “breakup reactions” (forgot their real name) where a molecule splits into constituent atoms. Then there is the displacement reaction, where one element displaces another element from a compound.

For eg. Ca + 2 HCl => CaCl_2 + H_2

When you are on a bad hyperfocus trip, the only way out is to hyperfocus on something else. Sometimes you find yourself able to get into a nice rabbithole (for me that could be getting obsessed in old cricket scorecards, or browsing Wikipedia or reading old posts on my OWN blog). Other times, like today, you go from one bad hyperfocus to another.

So I had mentioned that I had an incredibly productive Thursday and Friday. It turned out they were not THAT productive, and my code seemed to have some inexplicable bug (despite being hyperfocussed on something else, I had managed to continue on Friday’s work). And then came the day’s second “event”.

Hurrying for a solution

I’ve been programming computers for 25 years now, so I should know that bugs are a part of life, and that when they happen, I should go about the process calmly and methodically. That, however, is in theory.

In practice, I assume that “I can solve this very quickly”. And start trying stuff. This is the equivalent of a football team that finds itself behind at half time, and starts going for long aimless shots into the box right from the second half kickoff.

The bug didn’t yield. Remember I was already in a frenzy at this time - due to the morning incident. The frenzy now shifted to solving this bug. I was firmly in headless chicken mode now, which made matters worse in terms of finding the bug. And I got more and more obsessed with it. Yet another positive feedback loop in a negative direction.

The meeting I spoke about came and went, but I was only thinking about my bug. My daughter (her school has closed for summer vacations now) kept coming to talk to me, and I kept sending her away saying I was too focussed on work and couldn’t pay attention to her - the bug was paramount. It was crazy, and self-destructive.

Finally around 6pm, I had a breakthrough. The bug had been found, but the task of catching and getting rid of it remained. “I’m continuing to work late into the evening”, I announced to my wife, who had just come home. “Else Ganesha might happen”.

It was only after I had made more progress on this - and I know tomorrow I may not have to worry too much about this, was I able to relax. And I shut my work computer and went to have dinner.

When does this frenzy happen?

I’ve been trying to think of when I get into this kind of an involuntary frenzy. Unlike the other kind of frenzy I spoke about over the weekend, this one is NOT voluntary. This is NOT something I want to get into, but I keep getting into it.

One highly necessary ingredient I know is time with myself. While making lunch today, I had full freedom to think about the disagreement that had just happened. And that just built up with nothing to stop it. This is a rather common occurrence.

The second is when I grossly underestimate how long something takes to solve. Trying to work well-at-a-faster-rate can lead to overstretching and getting into a frenzy.

Then, this might sound counterintuitive but when I’m in overly a good mood (like I was this morning), I’m more prone to get into a bad frenzy. It can only be some random tiny negative stimulus, but if I have time, it can just build upon itself and become yet another entity. It is almost like when I’m in a good state, I’m not hyperfocussed on anything, so something with obsession potential that comes along the way catches it.

This can also happen when I’m working against a tight deadline - remember I told you that Thursday and Friday were good because I didn’t have any short term deadlines. After today I can say that this is a necessary but not sufficient condition.

I’m sure there are many other triggers as well, but I can’t remember now. I might add more addenda to this addendum.

Domestic fights

So far I’ve been talking about work and work related issues, however, some of the patterns I’ve spoken about are common at home as well. And the process is exactly identical.

If I go back and think of the most destructive fights between my wife and me, there is a very clear pattern - a seemingly trivial trigger followed by a massive buildup and then an explosion.

My wife and I have different fighting styles - she is a sulker and I’m a shouter. The two don’t interact well. Trigger happens, I shout, she sulks (or the other way round, but who starts doesn’t matter). The more she sulks, the more the time I have to hyperfocus on this disagreement and let it get bigger. It gets so big that I shout even more. She goes further into her shell.

And then the flipflops happen. I start rapidly cycling between mental states of “OK I need to leave my wife alone for a while, this will resolve by itself” and “no but I was right, so I need to stand my ground and fight”. One moment I’m walking away and the next I’m walking back, screaming. Less experienced people might freak out at this.

And because I’m hyperfocussing on the argument, I’m not able to back off or calm down. The only solution in that case is some kind of “displacement”! I’m not elaborating on that here.