Thank you for this. I’m not about to write 5 paragraphs, but this is closest I’ve been able to self reflect with another persons.

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Okay, I identify two issues:

1. You don't have a good sense of self. You don't know what you are and what you're not. If that idea was strong, listening to what others are saying wouldn't be an issue, because you would feel secure in your place in life, and you wouldn't feel like everyone is trying to influence you, and even if they were, you wouldn't feel hostile. Not to the same extent anyway.

2. Conditional self-esteem. You feel like you only have worth under certain circumstances. It could be when you're achieving things, or when you're feeling smart, could be anything, I don't know enough to say. But what happens is you extend the same idea to everyone around you - if someone fucks up, they don't have any worth in your eyes. Look at the words you're saying to your colleagues - they all sound like you think they have no value because they made a mistake. The conditional self-esteem makes you self-righteous as well. Like "what did I say wrong?! That person did fuck up!"

I should know, I had/have the same issue. The solution is radical self-love. Accepting yourself as you are and being fine with it. And maybe identifying sources of why you came to feel this way and realizing maybe they are not valid anymore and you deserve to feel loved always.

When I worked on this part of myself, my husband asked a few weeks later, "why have you been so nice to me?". I didn't even know i was doing anything differently, but it did make me sad that so far I hadn't been as nice as I had wanted to be, and I'm glad I am now better to others around me.

Fwiw, there's no need for me to have said any of this, and normally I'd consider this impertinent on my part, but since you're talking about these things openly, I feel free to share what I've learned while working on my own ADHD and other mental health issues.

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After reading sporadically, I feel you have not met any hostile person, or have left the situation if any similar punishing person gives back to you. I have seen people with these fault lines are very sensitive when faced with another bully, or they run away. In my experience, I have met similar people who in the pretext of saying truth, say absolutely anything. The remedy is to create a hostile situation, take the matters to the next level, and escalate the issue, which helps a lot. If you had met similar people I think your ADHD would have cured.

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